Elitish Interview: TARTUFI

by Jeff GoodSmith on June 4, 2010

Tartufi is not your typical two-person band.  Hell, it’s not your typical four-person band.  It’s not even your typical eight-person band.  Well, fine, that’s hyperbole, but the eight-piece band would need to have a glockenspiel player.  If there’s no glockenspiel, so help me…

Without this, I am pushed headfirst into an anger-blinded rage

Tartufi formed as a power pop trio in San Francisco, releasing an I-have-yet-to-find-a-copy-of-it Westward Onward, EP in 2002 followed by their 2004 album So We Are Alive and their 2005Trouble EP before changing directions, both sonically and member…ly (wise?  Member wise?  It’s not like I’m a writer or anything, can’t be expected to know these fancy words).  In 2006, Tartufi, now soley consisting of guitarist/vocalist Lynne Angel and drummer Brian Gorman, released Us Upon Buildings Upon Us, no doubt inspired by the They Might Be Giants classic song, “I, Palindrome, I” (citation needed).  That album, which was featured in my first comprehensive top albums/top songs of the year list (let’s here it for lastfm journals, everybody) showed a complex sound that many critics have (correctly) asserted sounds almost more like a full orchestra than the work of a duo.  Navigating along multi-track songs with more musical twists and turns than Lombard Street, Tartufi transformed into a unique musical experience that miraculously is translated almost exactly to their live shows.

And, let’s not forget, their most recent album Nests of Waves and Wires was featured on Elitish’s top 10 albums of the year and top 50 songs of the year.  Elitish caught up with Tartufi with a few questions about how Tartufi came to be.  And also, beef jerkey.  Seriously, these guys love their beef jerkey.

Tartufi — Jerky Jaw from TARTUFI on Vimeo.

Seriously

Tartufi will soon release Goodwill of the Scar, a vinyl single track EP.  Their website can be found here.

Boring standard question first- why don’t you give us a rundown of the origin of Tartufi.

BRIAN:

Technically, Tartufi began in 2001 and was a very different creature from what it is now.  I joined in 2003 and soon after we began dipping our toes in the mighty waters of touring. At a show in North Carolina, while wearing $2.99 old man masks that we bought at Walgreen’s; it became clear to us that our band mate, who was embarrassed by us, was not going to last long.

After releasing a full length and an EP, she quit and Lynne and I were in the fortunate position to design the band and its sound exactly the way we wanted. We debated about hiring another member, but were kind of burnt by the experience with our former band mate and didn’t want to deal with another ego, so we opted to explore technological options to fill out our sound. (Enter multiple Loop Stations and 1000 watts of amps prepared to rip faces off at any given moment.) We went a little overboard at first.

LYNNE:

I joined the band a few weeks after their first show as the bass player but soon began playing guitar and singing as well.  We went through a whole lotta drummers.  Some exploded.  Some left because they were intimidated by how good we were.  Some we “lost”.  Brian came on to the scene and proved that he could reform after exploding, was extremely intimidated by us but could still hang, and had one of those tracking device implants you get at the vet so if you lose your puppy you can find it again.  Band Puppy!

When I first listened to your second album, Us Upon Buildings Upon Us, I was surprised when I found out there were only two members in Tartufi.  I was even more surprised to find out that your live shows sound much like the recordings.  How does your approach towards your songs change from playing at a live venue versus recording in studio?

BRIAN:

Our recording process is a much more patient contemplative process than our show, which is an intense, choreographed workout. We try and honor our recordings, but in no way feel bound to them on stage. Sometimes the recorded version of a part of a song is the only time that we ever arranged and played the song that way. There is a part in the song Engineering that on the recording is based entirely around layers of polyrhythmic snapping. Though we play that part live, it’s free from any West Side Story snappery and has ended up becoming somewhat of a dancey funk part. Somewhat.

The experience of listening to a great album on your headphones is so different from a live show experience. I think we let parts breath a bit longer on our recordings than we do live. If we gave them the same space on stage I think I’d get bored. We try and play very close attention to the dynamic arc of our set, balancing the intense, heavier rhythmic feels with our more ambient melancholy parts. As audience members we want to be surprised so we try and pay attention to our set as if we were watching it. If at anytime while working on our set we start to get bored we figure someone in the audience would be as well and then push to change directions, cut parts, or add new elements to better the experience for everyone.

LYNNE:

In the recording studio we tend to go a little woo woo.  We really try to load as much onto each track as we can and experiment with different placements, tones and instruments.  We generally will write a song and rehearse the live version, then go into the recording studio and track the song, totally effing with the structure and sonic impact.  Then after the record is done, we go back to the studio to try to relearn how to play the song as close to the recording as possible.  Stop laughing.  It makes sense to us.

What was the biggest challenge in changing from a power pop band to your current, more complex style?

BRIAN:

The biggest challenge wasn’t the music or the huge learning curve with our gear and new playing relationship, but with people’s expectations of the band (whether imagined by us or real). We had already made a decent name for ourselves on the local SF scene and with the reinvention of Tartufi, without changing the band name or adding new members, it seemed to us as though there were many folks who were expecting, maybe hoping, for us to fail. It took us a few years, I think, to get over the sense that we had to prove ourselves. That certainly was a driving force for us, but after a while it was distracting and I’m glad that we have moved beyond that feeling.

LYNNE:

The biggest challenge was figuring out how to handle how much fun we were having.  No – wait – the biggest challenge was having all the laser surgeries to remove our old band-mates name from our chests.  No.  The BIGGEST challenge was figuring out that I alone was responsible for brushing Brian daily…or his puppy hair just gets everywhere.  Ok – honestly I think we still face our biggest challenge today: The Demons Who Live In Our Gear And Make Weird Things Happen Like Feedback, Radio Noise, And Random Static.  We have spent years and years trying to figure out how to sound as clean as we can, considering how much is coming through the amps.  It has been an uphill battle but luckily we have jetpacks.

Do you still have fans show up to concerts with song requests for “Windmill” or “Window Machine” and other earlier songs?

BRIAN:

It happens, but rarely now. Usually people who know our ancient material have followed us through our transformation and understand that those songs were written when the band still had its training wheels on. The more complicated and embarrassing requests for us are when people call out for songs off of a more recent album that we either haven’t played for years or have never played since it was recorded.

One time I was driving along and heard this killer song on the radio. I thought to myself, “Man, that’s a great beat; I want to write something like that.” Then the vocals started and I realized that I in fact had written something like that- it was one of our songs that I had completely forgotten about. I’m not sure if that’s a testament to how much writing Lynne and I do, or how little I remember.

How long did it take you guys to really master the looping techniques you employ?

BRIAN:

I would say that we are still learning. Lynne is absolutely amazing with her pedal work- easily the most proficient of any guitarist that I have ever seen, but it is very much like any other technique or instrument in that one has to constantly be searching for new ways to utilize it or all of your music will end up sounding the same. We are always adding and subtracting from our rig to try and create new options for ourselves. Sometimes it’s amazing and sometimes we are just making noise.

LYNNE:

“Master”!  Well – you are too, too kind Sir!  It took us probably 2 years to get comfortable with the loop stations, one more to hit second base, and an additional year to gather up the courage to ask them to be in a committed relationship.

A live Tartufi concert is a pretty impressive feat.  Describe the technical setup you guys have for each show for those reading that haven’t been able to see you live.

BRIAN:

We perform with a drum set, 1-2 guitars and 1-2 basses (depending on the set), 2 keyboards, a glockenspiel, drum machine, several percussion instruments, several microphones, 30+ effects pedals, 2 mixing boards, a 2×15 cabinet, and a 2x 12 cabinet, that all run through a Blackstar head. We have figured out how to connect each instrument, including the acoustic drums, in such a way that we can send any combination of instruments and effects to our Loop Stations. Though we use a few prerecorded samples, 95% of our show is entirely live- there is no click track, laptops, or sequencers, Lynne controls the pedals and I control the timing. Ba-boom.

What’s your favorite type of jerky (beef, venison, bison, etc)?

BRIAN:

Our favorite was this amazing beef jerky that we found by chance on tour at a roadside shop in Texas a few years ago. It was incredible. Unfortunately we can’t remember we the hell we were and have been on the quest for the perfect jerky ever since. We thought we came close on this last tour when at 8 in the morning I found some small batch jerky at a truck stop that had all the makings of perfect jerky. I woke Lynne up and we both ate a huge piece. It was delicious. It was also habanero jerky and nearly killed us.

Soon thereafter we played in Ohio and an amazing new friend had spent 3 days preparing deer jerky especially for us. That was definitely the nicest jerky gift we have ever received and mighty tasty too.

LYNNE:

I do not discriminate when it comes to jerky, just not too moist and I would prefer if it didn’t taste like blood, a scab, or a booger.

I’ve seen you guys play a concert in a chapel on Good Friday.  What do you think is the strangest venue you’ve ever played a show in?

BRIAN:

I can’t really think of anything that was too far out there. We have been honored to play some amazing stages and certainly have had our share of places that were unbelievably disgusting, but nothing too strange.

LYNNE:

Well – these days, venues have to be more and more creative in terms of what folks can afford and can bring a consistent crowd to.  We have gotten pretty used to the more alternative venues and have found that those shows tend to be more fun and laid back than the standard club show.  We have played a ton of warehouse spaces, a few barns, some backyards, a basement bar on 47 acres of 4-wheelin heaven, quite a few churches, many teeny tiny radio stations, a few coffeehouses, a couple of restaurants (some glad to have us…. some not so much so), a bunch of theaters, one wedding, a few college cafeterias, a couple of frat houses, a ton of gallery spaces, a few record stores, a VFW hall, a bunch of festivals and countless clubs.  The stranger shows tend to have more to do with situational issues than with the space itself.  Just ask Amarillo, Texas.

What’s the story behind the rock and roll school for kids (Rock Band Land) you created?

LYNNE:

I will let Puppy Brian take this puppy.

BRIAN: Rock Band Land was created years ago when I was a pre-school teacher and frustrated with the music that was considered “appropriate” for kids to listen to and participate in. So I wrote a curriculum that brings kids (ages 4-7) together in groups of 8, they form bands, write original rock songs, record their song with professional musicians, and then perform it in front of a crowd of screaming family, friends, and fans. Lynne and I started the school with another performer friend and we’ve been running the school for 2 and a half years now and the songs keep getting better and better. It’s great fun.

Currently we are working with two bands, one is writing a song about a tiger family that trashes Darth Vader’s House while he is shopping for a new light saber. When he comes home they flee and he wishes they were still there because he’s really lonely. The other song is about a Cyclops who throws trash on a village. The people employ a superhero lion and cheetah to fight the Cyclops. They bury him in trash and then recycle him into calendar artwork.

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The “classic Rock and Roll death” has long had a place in societal lore.  That one legendary musician felled in his prime through a combination of drugs, airplanes, or stalkers that are able to purchase a gun.  It’s tragic, but somewhat poetic.  Buddy Holly, Janice Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, an almost suspicious amount of famous musical artists went out in their prime.  But to be blunt, in Rock and Roll, a music genre that oozes youth out of every pore, you can’t grow old and still expect to be relevant for decades.  If you want an unsullied musical reputation, your best bet is to either A- retire or B- choke on your own vomit.

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Or you can be the drummer for Spinal Tap.

The difference between a rock star who still tours while he’s in his 60’s versus a rock star who, after making a few artistically bland albums, decides to throw in the towel for good is huge.  Rock and Roll is meant to be enjoyed by sweaty sex-starved youth, not old men fighting off arthritis.  And, barring an appropriately timed retirement, do not overestimate the impact of a sudden, early death from a rock star.  Hell, look at Michael Jackson- he was able to erase fifteen years of straight up crazy from his legacy just by having a doctor give him a medically retarded amount of drugs mixed together.

Doctor

So, we’ll give him some morphine, and then maybe rub some cocaine on his teeth, and, fuck it, this last syringe can just be air bubbles.

I’m not saying that rock and roll deaths are not tragic or regrettable.  I’m just saying that watching icons age is gross and depressing more often than not.  And after years of nonstop music, drugs-until-the-90s, and fame, after a while, our favorite musicians turn…well, a little crazy.  A little grumpy.  A little weird. It’d be better for all of us if they had stopped making music when they began sounding like bland cover versions of their old bands, but someone’s gotta score that Super Bowl halftime show spot, right?

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CROTCH!

With that in mind, let’s take a look at seven music icons who decided to turn into creepy old people.

7.  Gene Simmons (Kiss)

gene-simmons-makeup

I might be pushing things a little bit saying that Gene Simmons is a rock legend.  After all, you don’t find many bands being interviewed about influences going, “Well, I was really attracted to the experimentalism of Frank Zappa, and Captain Beefheart always interested me, and of course, I liked the costumes of Kiss”.  They’re just not that kind of band.

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Though Kiss was an important influence to Stiffler, so that’s something.

But, Kiss was a very popular band, and some might say they continue to be so today.  Hell, they had a song on a Guitar Hero game, and were a central plot point for an episode of Family Guy.  That has to qualify them as a “famous old person band” to anyone under the age of 20, right?

The only problem is, unlike the rest of the band, Gene Simmons seems to have no problem attempting to John-Wilkes-Booth his reputation in the back of the head.  We’ve seen Simmons boast about how many women he’s had sex with (I believe the number was somewhere around “gonorrhea”), we’ve endured his terrible and depressing reality TV show, hell some of us have even been somewhat exposed to his gross/terrifying sex tape.

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I unfortunately did the google image search of that, and decided to save you from actual images of it.  You’re welcome.  But spoiler alert, Simmons wears a T-shirt the whole fucking time.  Here are some puppies.

Simmons has aged into the worst kind of “he-seems-older-than-he-is” old person.  Sure, he’s only 60, which is younger than a modest percentage of college students’ parents.  But he clings to his former glory days, wearing his face paint surrounded by hot women to sell…wait, Dr. Pepper?  Seriously!?  Dr. Pepper, the “23 flavors” drink that’s primary flavor is prune juice!?  Does no one else see the irony of Gene Simmons trying to act like he’s in his 20s again while schlepping Dr.-Fucking-Pepper’s-Carbonated-Prune-Juice-(With-22-Other-Flavors)!?

It’s the only pop that keeps Dr. Love…regular

It’s never a good sign when a musical artist’s “controversy’ section on Wikipedia doesn’t discuss anything they did while they recorded music.  Simmons claims to have never taken drugs or drunk alcohol in his life, though Peter Criss, in his quest to be the most secretly badass member of Kiss, apparently tricked Simmons into eating pot brownies.  Just for the hell of it.  This might explain why he managed avoid the pitfalls of “publicly seeming like a washed out idiot” during his heyday, but it just makes his post-2000 crankiness all the more…crazy-old-man-like.  In a 2002 NPR interview, Simmons responded to claims that he had slept with 4,600 women (not a typo) by saying, “If you want to welcome me with open arms, I’m afraid you’re also going to have to welcome me with open legs,” which I believe is the official urban dictionary definition for “class.”

ron_burgundy

You stay classy, Richard Simmons

He also has had his old-man-yelling-at-the-kids-to-get-off-of-his-lawn moments, bitching about music piracy (to paraphrase, he essentially said that the fans are the reason why the music industry is in decline, and that every fresh face college student should be sued off the face of the Earth for downloading music), and sure, let’s throw in some racist diatribes against Muslims in there too.

As he has been desperately shouting about his sex life to anyone willing to listen, and throwing temper tantrums to Al Franken about losing a game of racquetball, over the years, Gene Simmons has essentially transformed from a sexually overachieving Jewish musician into, basically, the grandfather in Little Miss Sunshine, trying to give teenagers advice about having lots of sex while they can, snorting heroin, and probably ODing in a motel on the way to a beauty pageant for 8 year old girls.  You know.  Metaphorically.

163429__arkin_l

I wanna rock and roll all night

6.  Ozzy Osbourne (Black Sabbath)

OzzyOsbourne66

Ozzy Osbourne was about as crazy and badass as you wanted your heavy metal singers to be in the 70s, 80s, and hell, even a bit in the 90s.  He gave himself his first tattoo, using a sewing needle and pencil lead to write “O-Z-Z-Y” on his left knuckles.  That’s like watching Guy Pierce tattoo himself in Memento and then thinking, “You know, that’s pretty badass, but let’s amp things up a notch by introducing the very real possibility of lead poisoning to this equation.”  Stay tuned for that Memento analogy to be even more accurate later in this article (you know, what with the memory loss)

Ozzy-Osbourne_0

Come on, we’re talking about a guy who helped make a name for himself by accidentally biting off the head of a dove.  No, he didn’t do it on purpose- Ozzy went to meet with some record executives, and meant to release the dove as a sign of peace, but he was so intoxicated that he bit off the fucker’s head instead!  Do you know how completely out of it you have to be for that to happen!?  Have you ever been in a situation before where you were like, “Oh man, I’m really drunk, I’m going to take out my wallet” and then ended up biting into your wallet?  Of course not!  And your wallet isn’t even a living animal.  This is how crazy Ozzy Osbourne was!  “Woops, accidentally bit off this bird’s head, alright, let’s sign a record deal.”

dove

Pictured: bird; symbol of peace.  Not-pictured:  sushi

The Godfather of Heavy Metal decided to cement his stature as the pioneer of a genre by ruining revolutionizing reality television through his MTV series The Osbournes.  And…that’s his legacy now.  Pre-2002?  Ozzy Osbourne was that metal dude who bit off the head of a dove because he was messed up on drugs and alcohol during a business meeting that he confused “a bird in my pocket” with “a snickers bar, and I have low blood sugar”.  Post-2002?  Ozzy Osbourne is that weird mumbling old dude with the fat kids and the shrill wife.

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Uh…Party with the Animals?

Ozzy Osbourne went from being a singer who parental advocacy groups loathed because they thought his lyrics were satanic to being made fun of by George W. Bush at a White House Correspondent’s Association dinner.  That’s basically the same as the safari hunter in Jumanji being named PETA’s Vegetarian of the year.

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Meat is a vegetable, right?  Oh shit, I made a Jumanji reference?  I think writing about Ozzy gave me a contact high…

He’s turned into that old man that mumbles about how the strip mall you’re driving by used to be nothing but cattle crazing and onion crops.  He doesn’t know what he’s saying, you can’t understand him, but you smile and nod at his long winded stories.  Watching Ozzy Osbourne now makes heavy drug use seem about as appetizing as starting a boxing career after talking to Muhammad Ali for thirty minutes.  At least his wife gets to wear lady suits and determine what qualifies as talent in America.

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That doesn’t…look like…talent

5.  Eric Clapton (Cream)

Eric_Clapton

If you’ve watched an episode of That 70’s Show, or have a parent who was in the Baby Boomer generation, you’ve probably heard, at one point in your life, “Eric Clapton is God.”  Which might a bit hyperbolic.  I mean, holy shit you guys, have you heard God play guitar?  His guitar solos melt your face.

face_meltLiterally

Eric Clapton is very sneaky in his crazy old man tendencies, so they’re hard to spot unless you’re looking for them (or, cough, trying to write an article on the topic).  Basically, Clapton is that extremely talented guy (I’ve done the math, and I think he was in roughly half of the bands currently in the Rock & Roll hall of fame, excluding the Motown acts) who always had certain views that make everyone uncomfortable, but would keep them under wraps unless he was really wasted.

drunk-guy“Wooo!, Mussolini was a misunderstood pragmatic leader!”

Now, if I’ve learned anything from driving on the highway stuck behind a 1995 Cadillac going 25 miles per hour in a 55 zone with their left blinker always on, age basically affects people like booze.  So when, say, your Eric Claptons of the world grow old, they stop filtering what they say.  So they say crazy shit.  And they probably drive like zombies- slowly moving, but almost guaranteed to kill you.

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Please kids, don’t age and drive

We got Clapton’s booze views in 1976 during a concert in Birmingham, when he got drunk and went on a tirade about immigration (to England, but whatever), and started off by saying, “I used to be into dope, now I’m into racism.”  You can’t say shit like that, Eric! Holy hell, can you imagine that happening toady?  He’d have been straight up Kramer’ed.  He also said, “This is England, this is a white country, we don’t want any black wogs and coons living here.”  I…I got nothing, I can’t really add anything to that, that’s pretty fucked up.

mwi0154lI don’t know what a Wog is, but this is the first result of it on google image search. Umm…what?

So how does old man Clapton respond to people bringing up this incident of…craziness from about 35 years ago?  Well, he covered it in a few 2004 interviews.  Let’s see, he told Scotland on Sunday, “There’s no way I could be a racist.  It would make no sense.”  That’s…a start, though it does imply that if he could find a practical use for racism, he’d just racist it up at all the racist parties (is…is that what racists go?  Are there clubs they go to?  Oh right, they go to youtube video comment sections, I almost forgot).  Then he told Uncut, “My feelings about this has not changed” since England is still “inviting people in as cheap labor and putting them in ghettos.”  Sigh.

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“Nooo, I’m not a racist, I just don’t want black people in my country”

So sure, Eric Clapton might be god, but if he is, he’s probably one of the racist ones (I’m looking at you, Mormonism).

4. Paul McCartney (The Beatles)

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“Wait a minute, Jeff,” you nameless readers might say to yourself aloud, not at all wondering why you are talking to a glowing computer screen.  “Paul McCartney is a fucking knight.  He was in The Beatles for Christ’s sake, and I once saw a dude straight up murdered in the streets for saying that ‘Eleanor Rigby’ was a bad song.  How could he be a crazy old person?”

But oh, fictional reader who might need to consider moving to a safer fictional part of town, how wrong you are.  First of all, as elitish has even discussed with Charles Bissell of The Wrens, McCartney comes off as a 67 year old man trying to act like he’s still 17.  Look at this recent (emphasis on recent) album photo he took.

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For a guy who is old enough to be a grandparent, that’s a little off putting, don’t you think?  But even ignoring that (after all, if I were Paul McCartney I’d probably take that photo for every album cover I ever made, since, fuck it, I’d be Paul Goddamn McCartney), when we delve into the awkward “old person admitting past drug use,” and the whole meditation, vocal vegetarianism, and marrying a younger one-legged woman thing sort of makes him seem like a hippie who still wants to be in the 70’s.  And given that the hippies were the first generation to quickly sell out on their beliefs for materialism, a 67 year old rich dude who still acts like a hippie is just awkward.

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He’s the CEO of an oil company now, probably

While McCartney has more money than he knows what to do with (apart from handing it out in divorces, hi-yo!), so he decides to support PETA (which is probably one of the more crazy-person-friendly organizations out there).  And he’s also way into meditation.  Which isn’t too weird on it’s own, but McCartney endorses it in the uncomfortable drug-faded older hippie way, which…is uncomfortable to young people like me (I’m 12).

3_ninjas_kick_backYeah, that’s me.  On the left.  In the Green.  Hi-YA!

Just last year, McCartney headlined a benefit concert, along with Ringo Starr.  How fucking great would that be?  The two remaining Beatles!?  Holy shit, right!?  Well, it raised three million dollars, which sounds about right.  What group did McCartney decide to help with this philanthropic gesture?  Well, the David Lynch Foundation for at-risk youth.  That’s great!  That’s a really noble cause, good job Pau…what’s that?  Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot to mention that it was to fund transcendental meditation for at-risk youth.  Of all the charities out there, The Fucking Beatles decided to reunite (sort of) to help our at-risk youth…through goddamn transcendental meditation.  That’s like having a benefit concert to help fun the purchase of ant-farms for stray dogs.  Goddamn it.

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Though, to be fair, the dogs thought the ants were delicious

McCartney might not even come across as that much of a crazy old person on paper, especially for those of you who had hippie parents.  But he just seems…off, as seen in this interview for the Colbert Report where he discusses talking to vegetables.

The Colbert Report Mon – Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c
Exclusive – Paul McCartney
www.colbertnation.com
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3.  Bob Dylan (Bob Dylan.  Duh.)

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Bob Dylan is another one of those sneaky, under-the-radar-crazy old musicians.  The guy spouted off a mix of sublime and ridiculous poetry with a voice that sounded like a donkey three-way, yet he still managed to pull off some of the most influential music of our era.  Plus, unlike the rest of these artists, he’s managed to continue making relevant (or at least, relevant in the eyes of some critics and the Grammy Awards) for five decades.  That’s impressive.  Kudos, Bob Dylan.

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Take it, it’s yours

But when Bob Dylan got older, he got…weirdly and confusingly religious.  Sort of born again, sort of vaguely spiritual, he went from being Jewish to Christian to Christianity-inspired-vague-theism to…Jewish again?  Maybe?  To recording a Christmas CD that’s a mix of classic Christmas songs and a few God awful original songs.  Just terrible.  Here, let me show you a music video from it, in a game I like to play, “spot the crazy, out of place looking, old man!”

Ready?  Go!

Did you spot the crazy old man?  If you answered, “That crazy old man looked a lot like Bob Dylan with long hair and a hat!” than congrats!  That was Bob Dylan.  You win the collective disgruntled sigh of a generation!

Also.  Here’s Bob Dylan contributing to a late 80’s rap song.  Which…sounds like an old white folk musician doing a rap song in 1986.  Which of course…oh God, old people aren’t allowed to rap…

We also got a little bit of crankiness, as seen in the 2006 Rolling Stone interview where he complained about the quality of modern sound recordings, saying that the songs on his new record, Modern Times, “probably sounded ten times better in the studio when we recorded ‘em.”  He may or may not have followed that up by saying that back in his day he used to have to walk two miles to get to a recording studio each day, going uphill both ways.

And…again, God, look at that music video.  Maybe Bob Dylan needs to just avoid music videos at his age.  Given how well his more recent new music has generally been received, he’d easily be more of the “badass old dude” genre of geriatrics as opposed to the “oh God, is that Bob Dylan!?” type that we see in that Christmas song…

2.  Ted Nugent (The Amboy Dukes)

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The Nuge!  Like Clapton, Ted Nugent cemented his iconic status by being the central plot point of an episode of That 70’s Show.  Because if there ever was a TV show that had its finger on the pulse of a generation, it would be…well, not That 70’s Show, but it did star the hot chick in Forgetting Sarah Marshall, that shitty villain in Spiderman 3, and the dude that babysits for Demi Moore now.  So, they at least think that Nugent is legendary.

Look, it’s three working actors and three future-guests on “I love the 00’s”

But Ted Nugent is also a crazy old man.  We’re talking, “sitting on his porch shooting at shit” crazy.  You may think I’m exaggerating, but…not really.

Let’s just take a look at some of the books he’s written-  “God, Guns and Rock ‘n’ Roll”, “Kill it and Grill it”, and “BloodTrails II:  The Truth About Bowhunting” are all among his titles.  Seriously?  Kill it and Grill it?  Are we sure Nugent didn’t have Larry the Cable Guy ghost write that one?

Blah blah Rednecks blah blah Trailer Park blah blah Git Er Done

He’s “threatened to run for office” (his words, not mine), I’m only guessing because he’s cranky and wants to pass a law saying those damn kids aren’t allowed to go skateboarding on the sidewalks anymore.

“Get a job!”

So the man who was once a hard rock icon has turned into a grouchy old conservative.  But he’s not just any conservative, he’s one of those gun-toting, argument-having, pissed off conservative old people that make everyone, including most Republicans, just a little uneasy.

Yeah, and fuck this guy too

He really hates animal activists, which is sort of understandable, since PETA is full of crazy people.  And he really hates Obama, which I guess makes sense for a strong Conservative to be against a Liberal Democrat in the White House.  Only he says batshit-crazy-confused-old-man things to get his opinions out there.  He is on the record as saying, “Obama, he’s a piece of shit.  I told him to suck on my machine gun.”  Also, “Barack Hussein Obama should be put in jail…Mao Tse Tung lives and his name is Barack Hussein Obama.”

Funny, he doesn’t look Chinese…

If I can interject in here, actually, just a word to the wise- if you want anyone to take your political stances seriously?  Pulling the “I only call Obama by his full name, because his middle name is Hussein” card is not the way to do that.  Only crazy-people conservatives view that as an effective tactic.

Well, you won me over with your rational and eloquent argument

Oh, and speaking of Saddam, his cheery in-no-way crazy take on the Iraqi war?  “Our failure has been not to Nagasaki them.”  Well then.  Lovely.

1.  Brian Wilson (The Beach Boys)


Does a crazy old man still count as a crazy old man if he has literally and legitimately been mentally insane for decades?  Well, if you asked that question to Brian Wilson, he’d probably stare at you blankly for a few minutes, and then start clawing at your face, shouting, “I’M GETTING THE SPIDERS OFF YOU,” so yeah, I’m going to go ahead and say that Brian Wilson still counts as a crazy old man.

The good vibrations!  They’re EVERYWHERE!

Much like Ozzy Osbourne, Brian Wilson looks like someone who took enough drugs that, at some point in the late 80’s, their brains just shrugged and said, “Fuck this, I’m out, you’re on your own, buddy.”  That might not be the most fair assessment—sure, cocaine might have helped explain why Wilson spent three years in his bedroom at one point, but I’m sure his schizophrenia didn’t help.

This is your brain on OH GOD PLEASE STOP THE VOICES

Then there was that whole thing with Eugene Landy, who basically drugged Wilson so he’d be able to manage Wilson’s money and career, even going so far as to write Wilson’s memoirs, with large segments basically saying, “Dr. Landy is the most amazing person ever and all attractive women should be having sex with him right now.”  So yeah, Brian Wilson was a genius, with severe mental problems, who got used by a creepy Rasputin-like therapist.  That sucks.

Insert Beach Boys song reference here

But that doesn’t really change the fact that, even though Brian Wilson’s mental health has “significantly improved” over the past 10 or so years, we’re left with a 67 year old man with gray hair who sort of stands there looking like the Indian in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest

It’s almost uncanny

Just look at any video of him performing now.  I’ll make it easier for you, here, check these out.

It’s almost sad at this point, isn’t it?  Don’t you all feel oh so wonderful now?  Yeah, I thought so…this article was sort of a downer.  Have fun next time you decide to listen to an oldie’s station!

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